Return of The Nothing.

Yep, here it is,

Consuming me bit by bit though it's hard to see 'it' as gone when you can't remember 'it' being there in the first place, brilliant Generals of War this Nothing has, re-writing history or I guess erasing the parts it conquers, yes indeed history appears to be penned by the conqueror's, some smart fancy pants said that centuries ago, probably after watching the losing side butchered and then turning the lurid event into a romantic allegory.

I have (had) my supporters in the fight and in the most they held The Nothing at bay though I felt the occasional incursion into territory held by me, one must expect this as a balance is only as good as the opposing weights and the distance of the fulcrum to each, homeostasis is not an easy thing to spell let alone achieve in life, Maslow knew that all to well, his hierarchy of needs held self actualisation as the pinnacle of his pyramid for humankind though he knew this was a fleeting feeling and moment as we can not sit on the top without catering to the basic needs below so we continue to fluctuate through life looking to achieve though at times, like me, not quite understanding the meaning or reason for it all.

Because of The Nothing.

He/she has been eating away at me for some time now and my support staff of cipramil, lithium and seroquel do not appear to be holding their ground let alone making any, I'm unsure of its demands as no offer of parley has been made, no white flag of truce sent to my walls, only the severed heads of serotonin specific reuptake inhibitors launched over the ramparts, this upsets Lithium as they have been allies for some time and being a naturally occurring salt he is very empathic and teary, Seroquel is more reserved especially with the numbers we have of him but you can see though that veneer and feel the pain.

I appreciate them being there for me though it would appear the opposing numbers and tactics are not in our favour.

Of course I have had input from other sources "harden up", "get on with it", "everyone feels low sometimes", "you'll be right" etc.

Yes, advice I gave myself for years and if I thought anyone of those could work I would try, but they don't, the mask doesn't sit well anymore, doesn't hold for long enough before I need to escape to safety, where ever that is, seems a smaller and smaller cave right now, thank god for alcohol, yes it may be a depressant but at least it slows the dervish that are my thoughts, makes simple the things that are not if only for a moment and enables me to chat reasonably with the Monsters in my head.

They've always been there but now their power is greater and for the life of me I can not work out why. Funny how when we look back we see the obvious, pity we can't have had that diorama understood the first time, shit, that would have saved so much time, so much energy and so much pain. Pity those around us could not have seen and understood - but that is crap, if I don't understand in the middle of the whirlwind why should anyone have understood at any previous time.

Ah well, no answers here,


apart from the whisky and beer I'm enjoying at 1300 hours,


quell the demons for a bit,



inhale and hold to brace against The Nothing,





no wonder so many of the prisoners I look after deliberately self harm,










At least it ain't Nothing.












The Grey Madness