09.05.08

It had to happen.


We went to the Warehouse

(where everybody gets a bargain, even though they leave with more than they bargained for, with stuff they never intended on buying and stuff they will never use more than once, but they’re happy for about half a day with the fact they got a bargain, apparently, perhaps)

The above slogan was, as you know, shortened though full disclosure is in their 2 step business plan, when asking just mention you’re a shareholder.

But anyway,

We went to the Warehouse looking for a simple foam mattress for the top bunk in Connor’s room; apparently 25 year old mattresses are not appropriate and unhealthy according to Heidi (wife, cook and play gym).

We located them placed high near the ceiling, which would have made it normally difficult to get to though there was a movable ladder right in the isle. I saw the ‘staff only’ sign with access blocked and thought nothing of this, I was about to alight when I felt Connor biting at my ankles about to follow. Now I may be slightly (?slightly?) antiauthoritarian but at least I have got to this place after years of screwing up by myself and as I wasn’t about to lead a nearly 5 year old down the path sooner than he is ready I decided to agree with Heidi in that she was going to locate an attendant.

While Heidi was locating mattress attendant guy/girl I was dragged by Connor and Hannah towards the toy section. It’s not that they actually know where it is, no they have a genetic marker that lights a red blinking light in their eyes when they get closer to things they shouldn’t have, or alternatively that their parents would not want them to see or have.

By the time Heidi arrived with mattress (and free pillow) I was in the midst of stimulus overload with buzzing, whirring, blinking and talking toys that resembled nothing I had as a child (had to walk 20kms to school as a child, in the snow, with no shoes, or lunch) and had to ask Heidi what the hell was the contraption that Connor was clutching. So apparently this was a ‘Ben 10’ toy which enabled whoever Ben was to metamorphosis into different dragon, lizard, and monster creatures.

I have a similar toy, its called alcohol, works every time, and cheaper, well considering the ‘toys’ I consume over time perhaps not.

I could cope with this, I mean its normal for a boy to want to have super human powers and being able to transform into monsters to damage and kill things is something I can understand, indeed I wanted to borrow the toy for certain assessments in prison though as yet have not pried it from his dragon like grip.

Now just as it is normal for a boy to have such a toy, so apparently is it DNA appropriate for girls to have a Barbie.

Hannah had found a Barbie and was cradling this in such a manner that indicated although the item was not paid for, it was already hers. Yep it was all there, the long legs, make up, crown on her dirty blonde hair, ball gown, high heels, come talk to me eyes and breasts – though as Heidi correctly pointed out over the years they have made them smaller for some reason, no doubt another social experiment.

So we left the place where everybody gets a bargain and headed home with the essential mattress in the boot and the extra toys in the hands of the spawns of hell.

What I hadn’t counted on was that Barbie had a pendant on her throat (meant to be a jewel, though interesting that they teach young girls its ok for people to press hard on a woman’s throat) which when pressed sings a lovely one line phrase.

One phrase.

Only one.

One.

So when it came to bedtime there was full time noise coming from both of their rooms. Connor was busy leaping off the top bunk onto the new mattress as he was transmogrifying into various creatures, his arm glowing as the contraption was attached to his wrist, in the other room Hannah and Barbie were playing with other toys, they were in the midst of a tea party, hard to see in the dark though sounding as all toys were enjoying themselves.

Later I went down the hall to check on the spawns. Connor’s face was lit by the glow from the Ben 10 power transformation device, his little mouth open and curled in the foetal position, just like his dad.

Crept into Hannah’s room to see her reposed cuddling Barbie.

Excellent I thought, time to truly chill.

And then I heard Barbie shrilly sing,

“A heart is made to share”

Again.

Hannah letting me know she saw me and is still the one in control of the situation.

Indeed.

I wandered back towards the TV gripping my glass of whiskey firmly; knowing Barbie may have the last word but I have the last drink and that about makes things even.



The other thought was that the Unabomber should have targeted Mattel.





Would have got a lesser sentence with Middle America parents on the jury sympathizing.







The Grey Madness, Gollum, his 6000 year old dog and the 6ft White Wabbit.