Yep, here it is,
Consuming me bit by bit though it's hard to see 'it' as gone when you can't remember 'it' being there in the first place, brilliant Generals of War this Nothing has, re-writing history or I guess erasing the parts it conquers, yes indeed history appears to be penned by the conqueror's, some smart fancy pants said that centuries ago, probably after watching the losing side butchered and then turning the lurid event into a romantic allegory.
I have (had) my supporters in the fight and in the most they held The Nothing at bay though I felt the occasional incursion into territory held by me, one must expect this as a balance is only as good as the opposing weights and the distance of the fulcrum to each, homeostasis is not an easy thing to spell let alone achieve in life, Maslow knew that all to well, his hierarchy of needs held self actualisation as the pinnacle of his pyramid for humankind though he knew this was a fleeting feeling and moment as we can not sit on the top without catering to the basic needs below so we continue to fluctuate through life looking to achieve though at times, like me, not quite understanding the meaning or reason for it all.
Because of The Nothing.
He/she has been eating away at me for some time now and my support staff of cipramil, lithium and seroquel do not appear to be holding their ground let alone making any, I'm unsure of its demands as no offer of parley has been made, no white flag of truce sent to my walls, only the severed heads of serotonin specific reuptake inhibitors launched over the ramparts, this upsets Lithium as they have been allies for some time and being a naturally occurring salt he is very empathic and teary, Seroquel is more reserved especially with the numbers we have of him but you can see though that veneer and feel the pain.
I appreciate them being there for me though it would appear the opposing numbers and tactics are not in our favour.
Of course I have had input from other sources "harden up", "get on with it", "everyone feels low sometimes", "you'll be right" etc.
Yes, advice I gave myself for years and if I thought anyone of those could work I would try, but they don't, the mask doesn't sit well anymore, doesn't hold for long enough before I need to escape to safety, where ever that is, seems a smaller and smaller cave right now, thank god for alcohol, yes it may be a depressant but at least it slows the dervish that are my thoughts, makes simple the things that are not if only for a moment and enables me to chat reasonably with the Monsters in my head.
They've always been there but now their power is greater and for the life of me I can not work out why. Funny how when we look back we see the obvious, pity we can't have had that diorama understood the first time, shit, that would have saved so much time, so much energy and so much pain. Pity those around us could not have seen and understood - but that is crap, if I don't understand in the middle of the whirlwind why should anyone have understood at any previous time.
Ah well, no answers here,
apart from the whisky and beer I'm enjoying at 1300 hours,
quell the demons for a bit,
inhale and hold to brace against The Nothing,
no wonder so many of the prisoners I look after deliberately self harm,
At least it ain't Nothing.
The Grey Madness
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Broken
Apparently when something is broken it's not as strong as when it was first.
This seems to be the truth as again I find myself languishing in the depths I thought I was traversing relatively well. Shouldn't have forgotten the medication, well shouldn't have really let it lapse without getting a new script, the folly of believing one is well, of thinking that the now is the forever and that I will continue in this warm jet stream of not perhaps progress but at least of moving whilst not drowning, that was the feeling, the thinking and the reason for the poor judgement.
How many others have you counselled against the same thing? How many have you guided away from that rickety ride? And as usual the lesson of insight is lost on the mutant who gives it, need to remember that intelligence and wisdom are two very different things, and just as insight is linked to judgement so too does any fluctuation in either aspect compound the effect on the individual when it comes to talking about mental health and judicious use of both anti-depressants, a mood stabiliser and an atypical anti-psychotic.
Perhaps we should look at where the break is, find it and mark it for future reference as in this way we can navigate away from the perceived weakness and allow other strengths in different areas or aspects take the brunt of the attack, share the load and burden sort of approach. Of course this means nothing if I lack the insight to see the Early Warning Sings and take action which may include asking for help - (ask for help? males don't do that you pussy).
Ah yes the shoulder weight of societal pressure, like acupuncture using 6 inch nails, just as damaging in use and application but that doesn't stop the hammer does it?
Or the ramset gun that we load with purple charges, and of course there is the cordless drill which I understand is capable of a full frontal lobotomy thought admittedly more messy than that a surgical drill.
Just.
Could opt for leucotomy (home made style using crochet hook) but in the end the self harm spectrum for me is best left to alcohol and poor nutritional intake - how many years before DSM puts that in there some where, shite if they could have homosexuality in there in the 60's as a mental illness anythings possible.
But back to me, why because I am God, another reason I should have been taken the meds with more frequency, but if I am delusional by that very definition I can't be reasoned with there for I am immune to rebuke.
(Need to slow the whirlwind yet a-fucken-gain, will this tortuous spin never end, reaching for a piece of hay in the nebulous turmoil because I somewhere heard dying men do that, or was that drowning, no matter, a means to the end doesn't change the end, only the journey, and we're all treading one way or another towards the end, slow it down bitch, feel something real, something tangible, put the knife away, too much butter on the toast in any case, time for marmite.)
What's the frequency Kenneth?
Madness
This seems to be the truth as again I find myself languishing in the depths I thought I was traversing relatively well. Shouldn't have forgotten the medication, well shouldn't have really let it lapse without getting a new script, the folly of believing one is well, of thinking that the now is the forever and that I will continue in this warm jet stream of not perhaps progress but at least of moving whilst not drowning, that was the feeling, the thinking and the reason for the poor judgement.
How many others have you counselled against the same thing? How many have you guided away from that rickety ride? And as usual the lesson of insight is lost on the mutant who gives it, need to remember that intelligence and wisdom are two very different things, and just as insight is linked to judgement so too does any fluctuation in either aspect compound the effect on the individual when it comes to talking about mental health and judicious use of both anti-depressants, a mood stabiliser and an atypical anti-psychotic.
Perhaps we should look at where the break is, find it and mark it for future reference as in this way we can navigate away from the perceived weakness and allow other strengths in different areas or aspects take the brunt of the attack, share the load and burden sort of approach. Of course this means nothing if I lack the insight to see the Early Warning Sings and take action which may include asking for help - (ask for help? males don't do that you pussy).
Ah yes the shoulder weight of societal pressure, like acupuncture using 6 inch nails, just as damaging in use and application but that doesn't stop the hammer does it?
Or the ramset gun that we load with purple charges, and of course there is the cordless drill which I understand is capable of a full frontal lobotomy thought admittedly more messy than that a surgical drill.
Just.
Could opt for leucotomy (home made style using crochet hook) but in the end the self harm spectrum for me is best left to alcohol and poor nutritional intake - how many years before DSM puts that in there some where, shite if they could have homosexuality in there in the 60's as a mental illness anythings possible.
But back to me, why because I am God, another reason I should have been taken the meds with more frequency, but if I am delusional by that very definition I can't be reasoned with there for I am immune to rebuke.
(Need to slow the whirlwind yet a-fucken-gain, will this tortuous spin never end, reaching for a piece of hay in the nebulous turmoil because I somewhere heard dying men do that, or was that drowning, no matter, a means to the end doesn't change the end, only the journey, and we're all treading one way or another towards the end, slow it down bitch, feel something real, something tangible, put the knife away, too much butter on the toast in any case, time for marmite.)
What's the frequency Kenneth?
Madness
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