Apologies

As he said


"Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention",




Really?

Been a long time since I sat at this keyboard with any want or even motivation to write. Earlier; last year in November of 2008 I, with uncanny insight, reported the return of The Nothing, the eating of my soul, the slippery slide towards something I was not seeing but sensed.

And so it was as predicted though in a way more intense than I ever considered possible.

Why I have not been writing here or anywhere for so long was that I fell into the abyss of psychosis, mania, the DT's, thought disorder and then profound depression. During this period there was such a chaotic state of thought disorder that I cut in order to tame the whirlwind circling in my head, it helped for a time, the visceral pain concentrating the mind and removing the preoccupation with the chaos and disorganisation, 25 odd stitches later and lucky not to have long term nerve damage, sitting here typing with the deep scars remaining to be a road marker of life, a street sign blinking forever so that I can't forget, one of those sordid neon ones reminiscent of a red-light district, blinking out of sequence though understood no matter what primary language you speak.

I was off work for 6 months, some Dr's were amazed I returned this quickly after the psychotic break and everything that went with it, I only knew that should I not get back in amongst it I would be close to being lost forever.

Funny I guess that I wanted to return to look after the mentally unwell when I had now experienced the primary pain of the very nature of it myself. I have always had an affinity with those that are mentally unwell, as well as the personality disordered who create more risk than most, though now I had first hand experience of the psychosis, mania, depression (major) and that of the DT's having come off of alcohol - I did this by myself and forgot to tell anyone and so exposed myself to the potential bad side effect of the DT's - death.

It's not that I haven't known myself the pain of mental illness in the past as I have lived with OCD, depression and social phobia for years, I knew this before others did, managed to hide the symptoms by becoming a good actor and planning where a place was that I could wash my hands, always thinking how to complete the rituals and make it seem ordinary for those around me, I self diagnosed and got my then GP to chart clinically indicated SSRI which resulted in a marvellous reduction in functional impairment after it started to work (SSRI takes 3-4 weeks to start to work).

This I have lived with for 15+ years.

It was the recent descent into psychosis that was the trip - auditory hallucinations, visual hallucinations, referential ideation, thought disorder and disorganisation (this was the most frightening as communication has been something I have always thought I was good at and now I was not able to name a simple object without immense effort and slow movement of my jaw to say the word).

In a situation such as this one needs support even though generally you lack the insight to ask or understand this. Heidi (the wife) was like a breaker against the waves trying to swamp the shore, she had to put up with so much that it not possible to put in down in this ramble - not only did she have to risk herself around me when I was psychotic, she had to put up with different family members views which were not complimentary when they were not in fact living with it and did not know what I needed most. She has a background in Forensic Psychiatry, as I do, and so is no fool when it comes to the variable management that needs to happen for my then presentation.

Hard to tell others though when the expressed emotions are so high and volatile.

So I learnt first hand how a family is torn in the face of a family member being acutely mentally unwell, differing opinions and 'facts', differing approaches and differing levels of acceptance with regards to the belief in mental illness and ability to cope in the face of it all.

So that's where I have been, deep inside the castle of madness though lucky enough to escape the clutches of it through certain family support, great friends that came through to ensure I was helped, medicated, did not go into hospital, was stitched up well and this all enabled me to recover quicker than expected though 6 months to me still seems an inordinate time frame and loss of potential.

I am back full time after a slow transition back into the work place and extremely glad to be so. I am enjoying myself and I believe I have a better life balance - it is true that I continue to do longer hours than 7am-3pm though the major difference is that I have given up the on-call nature of my position.

I was essentially on-call for 6 years (aside from sick leave or annual leave - though for the first 2 years I was called regardless until Laine came to the T/L position and cut it out) which meant I was never away from the prison, the umbilical cord was always there and I would receive at least 2-3 calls a night, never able to relax or rest though I have to admit that I was reluctant to give up the on-call as it was money - I came to realise early on in the transition back that when I arrived home I would not be called, would not be bugged, I was essentially free from the prison and for the first time in a long time I felt the ease of freedom and of being myself at home without the awaiting and expected intrusion of the at risk prison demographic.

That reminds me of a shirt that Dad got me on one of his over seas expeditions -

"How do you spell relief?"

"Colombian" (with a certain leaf shape center of shirt).


So yes, I'm back.

Back in prison and enjoying it, enjoying being back at my best with regards to risk assessment and management of that risk as well as the mentally unwell and any needs they have associated with them. I always knew I understood them well and in doing so I made a difference, this I have never doubted due to the results and outcomes I have achieved, though now I have even better insight with regards to the psychotic symptoms as I have travelled with them and know them well, I have seen them and walked in and with them, I have questioned them in the time they were with me and took the time to try and understand.





So that is where I have been; the creative flow was taken away for some time and is still not back as I would like it though in part this is due to me not sitting down and trying, which is where I am now, trying, reaching, looking and hoping.

I know I am back better than before and so I hope to be back in these pages with more frequency, perhaps with more intensity, I certainly hope with more creativity of the warped sense that I prefer as opposed to the reality of the world that lacks the imagination to create the warm updraft for our wings.



As long as we are not named Icarus we should be safe.







The Grey Madness