13.01.06

Friday the 13th.

Jason rang me up earlier in the day to check whether it was still OK to regenerate and haunt some of you bastards tonight. I was in agreement on the following conditions:

1. He asks Freddy Kruger to join him in the carnage.
2. After the massacre he gives me his blood stained hockey mask as a souvenir.
3. I get a percentage of the souls collected tonight.
4. He records the screams of his victims as I need a new sound track to work-out to.
5. He not kill any of you wearing jeans as this goes against MY dress code (for your protection this exemption would also include high skirts and low tops with lacy lingerie showing through - that’s for the guy's).
6. Anybody in a tie is hung by their balls by the anachronistic item.
7. Anyone found consuming their body weight in alcohol is considered sacred and brought heads of victims as tributes, anyone else consuming alcohol is given a head start commensurate to the amount that they have consumed - 1 unit 1 meter, 2 units 2 meters etc.
8. Those having been given a head start due to consumption of alcohol, if caught, are to be dispatched by decapitation and the drink of their choice poured into their gaping oesophagus - if done right and quickly the proposed victim will still feel the head rush when the bottle is emptied.


He was more than happy with these terms and so please no crying and bitching as I have given you the heads-up, so to speak.

Should you have kept up with your Classic Horror Movies you will be able to protect yourself, but being that most of you are old here are a few tips:

1. The African American always dies first - keep away from him/her or use them as a shield.
2. Garlic is only good for marinating yourself.
3. Do not go out of a room and say "I'll be right back" - this is a death sentence.
4. Do not make fun of the much maligned "geek" - the reason for this should be obvious and remember that just because he wears glasses doesn’t make him safe.
5. Do not feel the need to leave a group of people to change a fuse in the basement.
6. Do not leave a group of people at all in fact, splitting into small groups is not tactically smart and in no horror movie has it ever worked.
7. The Virgin is safe. All of you should remain virgins (like me) and you will escape much of the damage, but should you change your mind my phone number is on most bus shelters.
8. Running up the stairs is stupid no matter how you look at it.
9. When you have stabbed the bad guy multiple times as well as shooting him in the head, do not feel the need to creep up next to him and try and remove his mask. Why do you think there have been eight (8) Friday the 13th movies?
10. Wearing a cross around your neck is good - good as an attractant, it shines and acts as a target. You are dealing with creatures of the undead, religious artefacts don't necessarily scare them but they sure as hell piss them off. Pissing off creatures of the night is not smart.
11. Do not leave the group to have hot steamy sex, unless you are recording it for my later use, as this appears to attract impaling devices intent on killing both partners in action.
12. Should the phone ring and the caller ask "have you checked the children?" run.
13. Never, ever ……..

Well I've done my part to help; now you’re on your own.

Night is beginning to fall and I can hear the distant scraping of rusty blades being sharpened.

Have to sign off now.




"I'll be right back!"





The Grey Madness